after watching strangers again i had the realization that we will never ever be friends again. this is the end. were always going to be strangers.

"the end of the line. the worst stage ever. breaking up. i dont know when it will happen or how but i hope we can leave it on good mutual turns if that is possible. and that is when the two of us will start a new path, one that will lead us back to where we started. strangers..... eventually one or both of us will move on and find someone new. and even when we both get over the past and try to remain friends, things will never be the same. our lives will continue on in different directions. toward the inevitable end. becoming strangers again. and everything we share will become fragmented memories, from so long ago. well question if it even happend. and all that will be left is a box of random stuff from a faded period of time when that stranger was the most importnat person in my life."

i just realize i like to blog/journal/post whenever i am in a seriously dark place. i guess this is one of those times that i am in a horrible time in my life. you would think that graduation is one the most exciting times in your life. let me tell you, it is not.

within a week of graduation, i am unemployed, heartbroken, miserable, and just a complete mess.

lets start with unemployment, this job market is a tough one. no one wants anyone without experience, well guess what i don't have that much experience as a college graduate. so i can not go anywhere up. i feel exactly the same as the way i felt when i graduated high school with the exception of the fact that i was excited for the future. i can get the exact same jobs as i did before. so now, four years later, 30,000 dollars in debt, and uncertain of my life i am worse off than when i graduated from high school. why did i go to college? oh yeah to get heartbroken.

baby, you were supposed to be the one that stayed with me. we were happy, we are fine the way we are. you just ran into a few bumps in the road and you just couldn't handle it. im sorry you choose to let me go, i was the one that wanted to support you through all of the hardships that you are about to encounter. your going to need someone and i hope you do find that person that will be there. i love you and i hate you at the same time but you know what thats what a break up is.

so with those last two paragraph it should be obvious why i am not sleeping, but swimming in the early mornings. i have to admit this is one of the darkest places i have ever been in my life. NO THANKS TO YOU LIFE! life is a cruel cruel world!!!!!!!

some people need to grow the fuck up. THE END!

mann this got me wondering why i even came home. why did i make such an effort to come home when you dont even care. why am i even home. i could be back at school, instead of wasting 7 hours of my life driving home to just chill in my room. something i could have done in irvine. i am no longer excited about this. i dont even want to go anymore. if anything i just wanna stay home and sleep till monday when i go back to irvine. this shows how much people you thought were your friends really dont give a shit about you. so fuck this shit.

you are so dumb

I know you are trying to act super cool and all and hiding it from everyone but im the last person you are fooling. go head delete me from you life. i really don't care. you are the one that screwed it up. the only thing you know how to do is talk. and thats the only reason why i fell for you then. but im so gladd now im actually dating someone that is woth my time that actually cares about me and doesn't care what other people think. so go head try to say those little things about me but its not going to bother me anymore. ive been over you for so long what you are saying about me doesn't affect me at right now. so why am i ranting about you? because i feel sorry for you. sorry for who you have become, sorry for the way your life is. you are telling me to take care... well better yet, you should take care of yourself first.

college

i think im freaking out a little bit... i dont know how to do this whole college thing. i haven't been doing too well in school. and im really scared. i want to graduate on time and do well at the same time. but its just so hard. i dont know what to do. im soo scared to fail. i hate being disappointed in myself. so when i study really hard and i do poorly im just so upset and i hate that i rather do poorly and not do well at least i wont think its cuz im dumb. if that made sense. i dont know. it just sortaa sucks! :(

him.

so i guess last night was like our first fight.
it was pretty much my fault.
im just not ready.
im stubborn.
i have too much pride to admit that im wrong.
im to scared.
i know you want to tell the world. but im just not ready for that yet.
my past is still haunting me
i know you told me to drop the whole arguement cuz you are over it, but inside im still upset by it.
im just mad at myself for being to scared.