fate

Do you believe in fate? Do you think our lives are predestined? Can we really change the way our life turns out? Does everything happen for a reason? Was everything supposed to happen the way it turned out? Was my life supposed to come out like this even though I had always thought differently? Were all of my hardships supposed to come these past two years? Are there going to be more to come?
Honestly I don’t know if I can take any more heartbreaks, and no, I am not talking about boys. I’m talking about things/people I truly honestly know I loved. There are some memories that are stuck in your mind that you will never be able to forget.
I was 19 the first time I had ever experienced death of someone so close to me. I will remember where I was, what I was doing, who was with me, and when it happened, but I want to know why it happened when it did. Everyday for six months, I was there to see him. I visited him every day, up until the day I went on a trip for a week. That one week out of six months was when he had to go. Was that supposed to happen to me? Was I supposed to be so far away so helpless to my family when it happened? I feel like the worse big sister ever. I left my brother there to watch it all happen. I left him all alone. I’m his big sister I’m supposed to protect him from harm. But I couldn’t instead he had to be the one to break the news to me. I remember that conversation exactly. I didn’t believe him.
Then a year later, it happens again. This time I was nowhere near it. And I knew it wouldn’t be. I didn’t deal with it. I just let it be. I went on with my life. When my dad told me it happened, I’ll remember that day too. I just unlocked the door to my house getting off of work, and my dad sitting in the living room just goes ahead and says it that’s the first thing he says to me. And I just say okay and walk to my room. OKAY!? What kind of response is that? This time by protecting my brother I didn’t show him I was weak. I just pretended like it was okay. The three of us went out with our lives, barely even talking about it. I think that’s the moment I closed myself up from everyone. That was the start of me learning who would stick by me through it all.
So was this all supposed to happen so I could go through this battle? I am still fighting every day. These are just two examples of the hardships I have been facing these past two years. Within these past two years I have let some people into my life but at the same time, I have let some people out. I can honestly say after this, is that for the people I have met in my past 20 years of my life, I know exactly who will be there for me. And whom I can actually call my true friends. So I still don’t know if I believe in fate. But I do know I do believe that we learn from our experiences.