jaklsfj

i love my friends and all. but SERIOUSLLLY?! :( lifes tough. shit.

you confuse me.

I am so confused. i hate playing these gamee with you. just be nice to me. tell me how you feel and that it. im a big girl i can handle my shit. so just tell me whats going on and then thats it... dont play this game. im sick and tired of games. because its not gonna make me want you. im done with game. i played with the games with the boys from my past and there is a reason they are my past. so dont play these games or you are just gonna be my past again.

home is where the heart is

i hate being interested in someone. cuz you are always just on my mind and just so much is going on. i wish i didn't meet you. im not ready for anything other then being single! :( so home is supposed to help be forget about irvine. and irvine is supposed to help me forget about home. but man why do you have to be from both placesss. OH WELL! gonna have funnnn in bgamee! :)

thanksgiving

man oh man. its thanksgiving already... time passed by so fast but yet so slow. There are just so many things that i am thankful for.

my family: I love my parents and brother with all my heart. my parents basically give me all that i need to become my own person. they are hard on me to teach me to grow up. but when needed they are right there to support me. without them i wouldn't be who i am today. no lie. they are my support when it gets bad they are who i go to when i really need someone.

my friends: these are the ppl i go to everyday. my old friends at mills/csm and then theres my new friends in irvine. and some of them are friend that go to both! they are the friends that pick me up when i am down and when i am having a bad day. but they are the ppl that i laugh the most with. they are the ones that make fun of me the most about the stupid things i do. the boys i have crushes on and have crush on me. i loveee you guys! i am most definitly thankful for them! :) so if you are part of my mills, bis, unity, or irvine group of friends thanks :)

cameron house: i love this organization. it brings out the best people. and he has some of the most caring and kind people there. with all my drama i had there in my past i still love going there cuz i love what it does.

be thankful for what you have!! :)

personality test

Your view on yourself:

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.

The seriousness of your love:

You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?

Your views on education

You may not like to study but you have many practical ideas. You listen to your own instincts and tend to follow your heart, so you will probably end up with an unusual job.

The right job for you:

You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.

How do you view success:

You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:

You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.

Who is your true self:

You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

meaning of life

my professor was talking about the meaning of life today. honestly i wasn't listening too much but she was asking us to define success and what we though success was. and she had a list of the top answers she go for students, which included: falling in love, getting into grad school, getting a job, getting a career. what is success? i feel like its just something that makes me happy and i guess self satisfaction with the outcome of whatever i did? i dont know. what is the purpose of our life? i dont think ill feel a sense a satisfaction of falling in love. I feel like its so over rated. maybe cuz i haven't been in love yet, so for now its not viewed as a success. getting into grad school? nahhh i think that just what my parents want. what i need to do to support myself. so getting a job or a career, isn't success either? i guess i dont know what success is but i hope i know what it feels like, and if i ever do feel success, it will be a feeling i have never felt before. so i hope one day ill know what i want from life.

That's oaky with me Jreyez

-(verse 1)
yeah, all the arguing and fighting
thinking that it was over, sparking it and it might be
this hard life see it through my eye vision too
missioned all the way out of the city just to visit you
we're growing up a lot faster than our friends
they pretend and they wanna see us fall in the end
and they don't care and they're living lies in their time
cus it makes them feel better about their lives going no where
you never trusted me and I never trusted you
no excuse your mistake was fully up to you
but I forgave you, that's what we need to do
we can speak it through, honestly
I miss her with X and O's, I shoulda just let her know
I shouldn't have let her go, she wouldn't be better off
cus the people all around her is nothing but bad influence
I know that when I found her I loved her more than my music
-(chorus)now you're a song I love to sing.Never thought I'd feel so free.Now I know what's been to me and that's okay with me
-(verse 2)
we forgot how it started, were lost in the moment
all this commotion of bottled up emotion
the love is blurred and it's out of its focus
its been a few hours incase you didnt noticed
emotion in our voice is based on tone
you dont get it so you go hang up the phone
it's an excuse that your wrong but your trying to be right
and I'm doing the same since the beginning of the fight
and it's like we all the same, people make mistakes
you keep me sane from the world of fakes
the only person I can talk to and always there to listen
you the best, I consider you my bestfriend
wanna relax knowing I got you
and you got me too so lets walk it through
sometimes I can't even talk to you
but just understand anythings possible
-(Chorus)now you're a song I love to sing.Never thought I'd feel so free.Now I know what's been to me and that's okay with me
(verse 3)
sometimes I feel like were the worst of friends
time is spent but just to her extent
and I don't resent cus of her expense
I'm trying to explain but theres her defence
I respect you, the things that I said I never meant to
straight, I ain't fake and I aint gotta pretend boo
i see you in the mirror, you an exact resemblence
you just like me, I'm sorry I acted selfish
we both equal the same kind of people
me and you the picture frame gotta sequel
I wouldn't leave you, I'm still by ya side
and at the end of the day I know you still down to ride
Bonnie and Clyde whatever you call it
I'm right behind, whenever your fallin
a big fight is just a small fraction
of us we just gotta be real and adapt it
-(Chorus)Now you're a song I love to sing Never thought I'd feel so free now i know what's been to me and that's okay with me.Hmmmm
(I like to thank you for listening and hear my voice and just hear what I gotta say u kno what im sayin. And if you're out there listening i just want you to know that I'll always hold you down I got You.)
Love of my Life,my soul mate(yea) ur my bestfriend(ur my bestfriend)
part of me like breathing now half of me is left

CRUSHCRUSHCRUSH

this is soooo weird. i feel myself moving on. but im not sure. i hope i am. i want to. and this new boy. i dont know. like ive known him for so long. but at the same time i haven't really gotten to know him yet. sighh. i wish i could jsut see how it all goes. :( for now ill just go and enjoy school and all the new friendships.

so reliant on the internet and technology

So, yesterday in class my professor was lecturing on how we are so reliant on the internet and technology. We have twitter where you can just keep updating what you are up to and what you are doing. We have facebook where we look at other people's profiles and pictures and comments to each other. We are so reliant on these internet activities. It takes us away from other human to human contact and distracts us from other things we could be doing.

I am the first to admit that I am always on my fb/twitter, i even just got a tumblr. They are the biggest thing that distracts me when i should be studying. I take little breaks on facebook and update my twitter. but why? why are we always so addicted? I should change but im pretty addicated. that is why i really would not want internet on my phone. I dont want to always be on my fb or twitter. i already text soo often the internet will just take up more time. the invention of the internet may have been seen as a good thing but at the same time i can see it as a horrible thing that takes away from humanity.

wow. just like that.

wow.i don't know ive put up with a lot of shit with you for the past like three years? i dont know. ive known you for what like nine years now? weve been through our ups and downs. but im pretty sure this down is going to break it all. cuz i dont think i can take it anymore. i hide it all from you and you don't even realize what you do. im just sick of it. i guess ill just stop trying to talk to you. no one knows this at all, but out of everyone you should be the one to know this. you don't even tell me. hellla shaddyy. whatever dude. im done with this. just watch us throw away almost 10 years. alll the shit youve been through ive been right there with you but this time im done. im over it.

conflicted

and my mind is still on youu. you just don't understand how hard this is for me. you dont even care. you want me to get over you. just like you are over me. but i guess i can't. i dont know why. i want to. you don't know how badly i want to. youve hurt me. i cant trust you. we dont talk and when we do you don't make an effort. i deserve better but you are still whats on my mind and i can't move on as hard as i try. never have i felt like this before.

finally in irvine

So i moved down here last saturday and today was offically the first day of classes but i dont have tuesday and thursday classes so its still pretty chill for me. i walk a lot here. i miss having ppl drive me around. but its okay. ive been doing a lot of welcome activities and others as such. so its been prettty fun i guess. still trying to get used to the campus and all that stuff. but yeahh. i miss my friends in the bay area. but i like this whole new start thing. soo calm. next stop.. BEACH! :)

solo

i think i could have loved you. but we've been through too much now and its over. we can't go back to what we were before. we can't because you arn't ready. becaue your still in love with her. we dont have good conversations anymore. we just have normal ones. i dont wanna argue with you anymore and thats a sign that im getting over you. im moving on. im not going to wait for you forever. i dont have the patience. your just not the guy for me. im sorry.

cleaning my room

So, for the past month or so I was supposed to clean and pack up my room as much as possible. And earlier I was going through some things and i had to put it all back. I realized that I cleaned most of my room except for certain areas in my room because there are items in those areas that i do not want to see. It will bring back soo many memories... and those are memories I don't want to remember. It will bring back the pain, the anger, the disappointment, the sadness... I think i need to have a huge bonfire for all of those stuff. I need to get rid of them but I dont know how i am going to when I cant even go to the area of my room to let it go.

UCII!!

So, im leaving for school in about three weeks. Less than three weeks. I'm actually kinda scared. but at the same time im kinda excited. Its a new place and ill meet new ppl and ill be able to further my education and study things i like to study. I get to live on my own without my parents telling me waht to do all the time and actually be in socal. i have no idea what my future lies for me. i dont know what to do. should i listen to what my heart wants or what my mind is telling me. am i actually going to move to socal for good now? i honestly don't know what i am going to do. I have built a really goood group of connections and friendships in the bay area. Although i love socal's enviornment more, my friends mean a lot more to me up here. but my family is in Socal so i have no idea what i am going to do...

life sucks sometimes.

here i am at 130am in LA at my grandmothers house... im just rethinking life. doing this over. how can something that i know is the right thing to do seem so sucky. i guess the right thing always makes you feel like shit. in the end i know it was the right decision but i feel so low right now. im pretty messed up. I wished i thought things a lot more clearly. not let my feelings get ahead of myself. and i wouldn't be in this situation right now...

how do you know?

how do you know when you are over someone? if your questioning it does that mean you arn't? im so lost in my thoughts. but then i am always lost. im happy where i am, im content. but sometimes i wonder if im making a horrible mistake. i took the risk but should I have thought this more throughly? i thought this is what i wanted. but is it still what i want? i really don't know. im lost. i don't wanna lose a friendship. a community. i might just lose it though... how do you know what you are really feeling?

im just living my life

according to the chinese stuff, this year is supposed to be a reallly horrible year for me. ANd i have been proved that over and over again. LAST night was jsut another reminder. but you know what thats now the past im moving on. im leaving for irvine in less than a month. im going to be starting over. and yea im just enjoying where i am. yeah im gonna miss the bay area so much but you know what, ill survive. i moved from socal up here and i have always missed socal so now im just going back. i think this horrible year has made me so much stronger. everytime i fall ill just stand back up, and i know which friends i have to catch me when i fall. because as i was reminded today... boys are whatever and friends are forever! sooo lovvvveee :)

oh there's been a lot on my mind.

my life is a roller coaster. right now i feel like i am going up on a high. im ready for irvine, but that the same time im not ready to leave bgame. today, riding around the city, across the golden gate bridge, and watching the sunset with no fog, made me realize how beautiful the bay area is. actually i have realized it a few times but it still never fails to amaze me. and it made it soo much better that i was spending it with such great friends. i love my friends here. and i don't know if i will meet any friends like the ones i have here in Irvine, i hope i do, but it even if i don;t, iknow i will always have the friends from home.

love life, appreciate, and just have fun. thats what im doing with my last month..

isolation

So yea, last night i had a lot of fun, but tonight as I have some down time for myself, i realized that I haven't been talking to a lot of people that i normally talk to. And i don't know why. I am so confused my with everything, but im just trying to put it past me and not think about it and move on. But i don't know why that means shutting out people that i have always enjoyed talking too. I don't know i have been in this weird state of not wanting to communicate to people. I deactivated my facebook for 24 hours and I don't really know why. I was in a bad mood when i did it, i know that but I don't know. I guess i like pushing people away from me especially since I know I will be leaving for school.

sick and tired

I took a ride on a February morning,
Just getting over it and dealing with the mourning,
I started thinking out loud: I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired,
My baby's flying off the edge of the road,
She's saying, "I'm so sorry about that note",
That left me all alone,
But I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired

Somebody turn the lights on,
Somebody tell me what's wrong,
I'd be lying if I told you,
Losing you was something I could handle,
Somebody turn the lights on,
Somebody tell me how long,
All this darkness will surround you,
Cuz I'm burning for you,
Burning like a candle

Seven days since I've seen your face,
Seven nights I have laid to waste,
I'm burning out now,
I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired,
I know we're hanging at the end of the road,
We've flown too high, make a swarm too low,
I heard a screaming out loud,
I heard a screaming out loud

Somebody turn the lights on,
Somebody tell me what's wrong,
I'd be lying if I told you,
Losing you was something I could handle,
Somebody turn the lights on,
Somebody tell me how long,
All this darkness will surround you,
Cuz I'm burning for you,
Burning like a candle

Think,
All the things that you say,
What are the things that you mean,
What are the things that you say to me,
Cuz your tradgedy,
A queen for his majesty,
All these plans for me,
Your kingdom is crumbling,
You're a tradgedy,
A queen for his majesty,
All these plans for me,
Your kingdom is crumbling,

Somebody turn the lights on,
Somebody tell me what's wrong,
I'd be lying if I told you,
Losing you was something I could handle,
Somebody turn the lights on,
Somebody tell me how long,
All this darkness will surround you,
Cuz I'm burning for you,
Burning like a candle

Burning for you,
Burning like a candle,
Burning for you,
Burning like a candle

you are what i wanted.

im so sprung off of you.
but im dumb.
im gonna just gonna scare you off
damn why does this have to happen when im about to leave
i wanted to try it
but then again those 5 letters make it hard
trust
i wish i had it.
i wish i have you.
my heart is going to explode.
and i hate myself for letting go.

shit happens

You know through out your life you are going to have some reallly good times but with that you will have some really bad times. Life's a trip. There is always going to be drama. people won't always get along. you won't always get what you want. but that is part of life. There will always be someone that doesn't like you, that thinks you are annoying, or stupid or something dumb, but don't let it get to you because if you always cared what other people thought of you then you will jsut stuck being upset all the time. And that's not the way to live life. All you need is a few close friends who will be with you through it all. The good and the bad. So yea, i know people that hate me, I know that people take shit about me. But you know what? it doesn't bug me. I don't waste my time being upset at them. yeah. shit happens.

work hard. play harder.

this past two weeks have been hectic. i love it. i have been having so much fun. enjoying what i am doing. but still working. i still hve stuff to do for work and camp and getting ready for irvine. but definitly enjoying it as welll. i definitely love alll of my friends that have been hanging out with me, drama free. love you guys. i know ill always have your support. always there for me. your actions prove it. looooovvveeeeeee

blinded by emotions

I really hope that my emotions don't blind me. I am not going to lie, I am scared. I'm scared for my life. But if i never take this risk, I will never know. The hardest part is the fact that I value my close friends and family's opinions a lot, and I basically have no support in this decision. How is it that for something that I want so badly, is so looked down upon by the ones closest to me. Am i really being blinded by my emotions?

loooove

i love my friends and family. i value them so much. the ones that know me so well and would do anything for me as i would for them. they are the first people i go to when i have a problem or when i need their opinions. there are so many times when i go to them and ask them what they think of my situation, because i know i am blinded by my emotions in the situation. i mean in the end i know i make the ultimate decision but sometimes my friends and family can see the truth that i can't. right now there is so much hate about a decision i have to make and my friends are trying to pull me away from something i want. but i'm scared of the what ifs. my friends want the best for me right? but what if what they think is the best for me isn't what i think is the best for me. or am i being blinded again.

i think i deserve to be happy. i deserve to have someone that will stand up for me. that will let me be me. that won't cuss me out and call me names. that trusts me. that believes in me. that pushes me to do my best. that will protect me as much as they can from pain but not control my life. i deserve to have stability. drama free. i think i deserve that and in return i would treat them the way i want to be treated. how do i know if i should take the risk. i don't know. only time will tell. but for now i enjoy where i am in life and who is in my life. im excited for the rest of my summer. hong kong was just the beginning there is so much more to come. im excited for my west trip, family trips, road trips, camping trip, and moving down to LA. THis summer is going to be an epic one i already grew so much i learned so much in the last month while i was in hk. there are going to be a lot more obstacles to come but im ready to face them.

what a smalll world

wow. so im at the airport right now, waiting to board to come home. soo weird as i am saying by to my aunt uncle and cousin, i turn around and i see an aunt and uncle from SF going through security as well. and im just like standing there in shock and my aunt looks up and is just like what the hell. haha soo it turns out they when to shanghai and is going back to sf tonight too. sooooo weird. omggg soo random. but dude they are soo nice. i love my family. looooovvvveeeeee

besides that.. im commmingg homee! :)

live in the moment.

live in the present. not the past. and don't wait for the future. the future will come eventually and it will be called teh present so live in the present. don't keep everything bottled up, because in the end you are just going to explode and it will be a lot more painful. enjoy the people in your life and what you have at the moment. that doesn't mean trust easily, but let yourself trust some people. don't waste your time hating because hate comes from love. no regrets. love life. appreciate your parents, they gave you life.

fate

Do you believe in fate? Do you think our lives are predestined? Can we really change the way our life turns out? Does everything happen for a reason? Was everything supposed to happen the way it turned out? Was my life supposed to come out like this even though I had always thought differently? Were all of my hardships supposed to come these past two years? Are there going to be more to come?
Honestly I don’t know if I can take any more heartbreaks, and no, I am not talking about boys. I’m talking about things/people I truly honestly know I loved. There are some memories that are stuck in your mind that you will never be able to forget.
I was 19 the first time I had ever experienced death of someone so close to me. I will remember where I was, what I was doing, who was with me, and when it happened, but I want to know why it happened when it did. Everyday for six months, I was there to see him. I visited him every day, up until the day I went on a trip for a week. That one week out of six months was when he had to go. Was that supposed to happen to me? Was I supposed to be so far away so helpless to my family when it happened? I feel like the worse big sister ever. I left my brother there to watch it all happen. I left him all alone. I’m his big sister I’m supposed to protect him from harm. But I couldn’t instead he had to be the one to break the news to me. I remember that conversation exactly. I didn’t believe him.
Then a year later, it happens again. This time I was nowhere near it. And I knew it wouldn’t be. I didn’t deal with it. I just let it be. I went on with my life. When my dad told me it happened, I’ll remember that day too. I just unlocked the door to my house getting off of work, and my dad sitting in the living room just goes ahead and says it that’s the first thing he says to me. And I just say okay and walk to my room. OKAY!? What kind of response is that? This time by protecting my brother I didn’t show him I was weak. I just pretended like it was okay. The three of us went out with our lives, barely even talking about it. I think that’s the moment I closed myself up from everyone. That was the start of me learning who would stick by me through it all.
So was this all supposed to happen so I could go through this battle? I am still fighting every day. These are just two examples of the hardships I have been facing these past two years. Within these past two years I have let some people into my life but at the same time, I have let some people out. I can honestly say after this, is that for the people I have met in my past 20 years of my life, I know exactly who will be there for me. And whom I can actually call my true friends. So I still don’t know if I believe in fate. But I do know I do believe that we learn from our experiences.

time.

i need more time. but at the same time, time isn't going fast enough. so here i am stuck in this spot while everything goes forward, and i'm failing to catch up.

my life is messy

im a mess and i am trying to figure out a lot of things. so don't make any decisions based on me. don't let me hold you back. don't let me play you. in the end i might hurt you. im going to school in irvine. currently i am in hong kong. i have a bad history. i was recently hurt. i've been unstable. so i guess what i am trying to say is. don't wait for me anymore. i would probably be a waste of your time. and in the end i don't want you to hate me even though you may already after what i have been doing. i don't want to drag you into my mess. you deserve better than me.

only spend time on things that truly mean something to you, or else you are just wasting your time.

enjoy life now. don't waste time with unnecessary drama. you make wrong decisions sometimes. own up to the consequences and move on. be who you are. don't waste your time pleasing everyone else because 90% of your friends are not really your friends. Just hold on to the 10% that are.

btw. you didn't impact me enough for me to care, so don't waste your time thinking i hate you because i don't even waste my energy or time on you. you were never a friend or anyone i really cared much about. so makes no difference, i feel the same about you as i did two years ago.

the love of a family

people come in and out of your life, but your family will always be there. that's what real love is. you can have a significant other, but if its hard they can always walk out of your life and all you have left is the memories. That bond can't be stronger than the bond of your family. No matter how hard it is in your family, you will always be tied to them somehow. My life is no different, i was reminded last night of some crazy fight in my extended family that has played out the past few years. but my extended family is still as close as ever. you can rarely see them or talk to them but when you do, you still feel that bond. I know that my family is a lot closer than other families and i am so grateful for that. My extended family will forever be there for me, and i will be there for them.

MY family extended family is so close, I like that i hang out with my cousin's outside of family functions. We will make specific trips just to see each other, where friends but being cousins make us have an even stronger bond that can't be broken. My family mean so much to me, even if it doesn't seem like it. If you were able to be introduced to my cousins that means a huge deal to me. Especially since they live in southern california, meeting them means that I think highly of you and you mean a lot to me. There only a handful of people that have ever met them through me. Yes we have some mutual friend that we randomly know because its a small world, but if you were directly introduced to them, that means a lot. I can only think of three people who have been introduced to my family. And at one point or another those three people have made a huge impact on my life. So if i mean anything to you, you should feel honored to have even been introduced to my family.

thats why my family and friends come before any guy ever will. my family and friends will stick by me through the end. a guy may stay, but most likely will get up and walk away once it gets hard, because there will always be other fish in the sea.

<3 my family. always and forever. no matter the distance. no matter how hard it gets.

HONG KONG

now that i am in hong kong. its such a super culture shock. sooo weird. they drive on the other side of the road. its soo hot and humid. the buses are really convenient tho.soo much food. people are reallly pushy. reallly dirttyy... i saw a hugeeee rat today it was HUMONGO! ughh ewww. and as i was waiting for the bus today i saw this huge insect ughh soo gross. theres a lot of different insects here. i saw a reallly pretty butterfly one morning tho.

everyday i have been wearing shorts or a dress. and its really weird cuz sometimes its rains. like REALLY hard but its still hott. and gross. so basically its disgusting. ahha but its okay. im getting used to it. the hardest thing for me to get used to is crossing the street. cuz the cars come from opposite ways and it jsut gets really confusingg. i dont know why. but whatevers.

but seriously this place makes me appreciate where i live soo much. what i have. and how clean burlingame and my house is. i miss my bathroom soo much! i feel dirty even after i shower. and i love howw we have cars that can hold our stuff. i hate having to carry everything while i take the bus and stuff here. and its not as crowded at home as it is here. dt has nothing on hk. i mean hk isn't all bad. i just like where i live. i am just to used to california.

I'm sorry

those two words, are said so often. but we hardly ever mean it. I was taught that when saying I'm sorry, it means that you will try your hardest never to make that mistake again and that you would prove that you were really sorry. but people through out those words so much now and just think everything will be okay after they say it. I say it also even if i don't mean it. People say it to me all the time and I know they don't mean it either. I guess this contradicts what ive been saying but im honestly truly sorry. i don't know why I am doing this. I have been hurt. I know how it feels to be in that position and I am still doing this to you. im sorry. i wish i was stronger then this. i guess all i wanted to say was that i am truely sorry and hopefully i can stop hurting you. Im going to try.

I'm sorry.

west retreat

so i just got back from the West retreat. it was a really good experience. I had a lot of bonding time with the other leaders and got to know some even better. and at the same time i had some reflection for myself. and i realized soo much. lately i have been reflecting about my personality and why i act the way i do. I don't know what i want in life. and that scares me so much. but at the same time i am the only one that can help be figure it out. and i need to do that on my own. taking these trips doing my own thing doing what i like to do, thats what's gonna help me figure out what i want, my experiences. there is a lot more to my life than just finding a guy. its also about finding who i am and figuring out what i want to do in my life. so im going to do this on my own and ill be fine.

a little busy bee.

I am a person with many commitment. I work. I go to school. I volunteer at cameron house. I am the first to volunteer to do things. I usually say yes when asked of a favor even if i know i don't have the time to do it. I remember there was a point in my life when i was at school from 8am to 2pm sometimes even 5pm. and with my school commitments, working three jobs and volunteering. And of course the miscellaneous things like babysitting, driving my brother around, and hanging out with friends. I have always kept a busy schedule. I stick to my commitments even if i don't like them. I like doing things but as a result i neglect myself and my happiness. I keep these commitments because i know these commitments would never hurt me, they wouldn't abandon me. For some reason i like making other's happy but i feel as if i don't deserve that. I don't open up to others I just hide behind my commitments. And i push things away from me that could make me happy. it scares me too much so i just take on another commitment to not think about the pain that i feel. I tire myself out so when i go to sleep i won't think, ill just fall asleep. I keep busy, and i like it, but sometimes i need to have time for myself. and to be me.

i'm okay being single

so lately its been obvious to me that a few guys have been trying to talk to me. i may be recently single but that doesn't mean i am going to get with anyone else. I am not going to do that rebound stuff. i am not going to try and prove to anyone that i can just get another guy. i'm not vulnerable, im not desperate. I don't need a guy to survive. I've been single for majority of my life, that doens't mean i can't go back to it. the next guy i date is going to because i like him and not out of spite or to make others jealous. its not a race, i have nothing to prove to anyone except to myself. all i need to do is be true to myself.

i didn't want it to all come down to this.

I tried. i kept trying. but i failed. you called me heartless. if i was heartless why would i keep trying? why would i even care? why would i stick up for you when you have done me wrong. why would i apologize. im sorry other ppl talk shit and other people hate. but i don't. i may have lied before but this time its all from the heart. i really am sorry. and i just wished none of this ever happened. i didn't want drama. i didn't want to get involved. i should have stuck with the gut feeling since the beginning. i took the risk and now im living with my consequences. i knew this was the consequence i just didn't know it would hurt this much. when i stop getting mad is when i stop caring. i always cared even if you don't believe that. you saw me at my worse and you never saw me at my best again because you never wanted to see it again. but im gonna survive with out you. im gonna fine someone who's gonna keep fighting for me. thanks for teaching me so much about myself. thanks for giving me the opportunity to grow up. you have changed me. and i think its for the better. so im sorry and if you don't accept my apology then theres nothing i can do about it. but i tried and thats all i can do now.

sometimes you just have to let things out.

lately, i have been really stressed out. I have been going through a lot of things in basically all aspects of my life. it seems as if nothing is going right. nothing good is coming out. i knew that something was wrong with me at the exact moment when i found out i got into college and i wasn't happy. I wasn't happy for the one thing i had been working towards for two years. my biggest goal for two years. i have had a very difficult two years. but i did it for the people that i love. i don't show it to them. but i do love my parents. my actions or words don't always show it, but they are the ones that kept me from doing some things that i would have otherwise done.

have you ever been in a huge crowd or surrounded by a lot of people and still feel like the loneliest person. yea thats how i've been feeling. I've been in the company of so many people lately but i still feel like the only person there. so lost and confused.

"I just tell myself to be happy. But I don't feel happy. And when I try to change it, when I try to remember what being happy felt like, I can't. I don't feel joy. I don't feel inspired. I just feel numb." Haley James Scott, One Tree Hill.

take risks in life. you are going to get hurt in life but you still need to experience it.

So i have a cousin who is many years older than me. We are really similar though. We are both independent and we stand up for ourselves. I don't think she knows this but i look up to her a lot. She is always thinking about other people and does little things to show that she cares. I want to be like her later in life. She's successful, she's beautiful (she was miss chinatown) she's generous, so caring. and she is the total opposite of selfish. A few years ago she went to italy just to learn to cook. I thought that was so cool. She was in between jobs and she just took off and went to learn to cook. Now she always cooks at huge family functions; the food is superb.
The point is that I have been thinking about my life a lot lately. And i know the one thing i don't want to follow in her footsteps is in her love life. She's one of those girls that every guy falls for and is always asked out. She's not married. She has never had a serious boyfriend that I have ever met. Like I said she is many years older than me. She has a younger sister of 10 years that is already married with two kids. So she should already have settled down. I bet you she was proposed to many times too. A few years back I was talking to my mother and she said that the reason why she isn't married or has a serious boyfriend is because she is heartbroken. She got her heart broken when she was in high school and since then she has not trusted any guy enough to give her life to.
I don't want to be like that. I have gotten my heart broken, but I don't want that to make me scared to trust another guy. I don't know if I will ever recover from this heart break. ill get over the guy. But I don't know if I will ever be able to get over the pain. I don' want to be like my cousin in that way but at the same time I think I am starting to. I'm putting other commitments like work in front of me to hide my pain. I keep myself busy with other people to not think about my pain. Thats what my cousin does. She has so many firends and she always goes out. She busy herself with people and work. She's strong and she can hold it together. I can do the exact same thing. I always say how i don't need a guy.. but i really don't want to be alone in the long run.

"There's no use denying the past. you are a part of me. you will always be a part of it. it just hurts too much."

all i want is someone to accept me for me. for my flaws. for who i am. someone that will be weird with me. not look down at me when i find really stupid things funny. someone to fight for me. someone to talk to me. someone to explain to me when i don't understand. someone to teach me to be a better person. someone that can make me laugh no matter what. someone to be patient with me. someone to allow me to make mistakes and help me fix them. someone i can trust. someone that won't make me feel stupid. someone to forgive. someone that will help make me a better person. someone that wants to be with me.

lovin today :)

"do what you are. as long as you're true to yourself and follow your own interests you can find success through passion"

a picture is worth a thousand words

A picture captures a specific moment in time, a moment that has passed but will always be a reminder of that time.




As much as I have always complained about the bay area. I honestly think that it is a reallly pretty city. Especially at night. When you sit on the other side of the golden gate bridge and just look over across the bay; that image is beautiful. The fog over the bridge and the city lights. The streets and buildings are all lit up and it becomes a breath-taking moment. The bay area will always have a place in my heart as much i say i hate being here; i mean i did basically grow up here.




The waves are my favorite thing to watch. I don't know why i jsut love watching the waves crash in. The sound of it is like music to my ears. I just love water. I think its beautiful. I don't know how to explain it but i love how it looks, whether it is calm and peaceful in the pool and only disturbed by a swimmer or in the ocean when the wind brings it crashing into the beach. it is so pretty i could watch it all day if i didn't get so cold all the time.



Like i said i love water. I always said i hated rain. I don't. I hate rain when i am trying to get somewhere and i get all wet with my clothes on. I hate that. I hate that im soaked with my clothes on when i am trying to do something. BUt i love watching the rain. I love watching how the rain falls how each raindrop scatters when it collides with surface. I love listening to the rain when i am inside. I love this picutre. I love how the rain is on the window and the post it make it so sad. It just a picture but the raindrops on the window make the whole picture mean another thing. i love it.



This picture is such a perfect picture. It literally captures a great action shot. Just in that one milisecond. You see all of the crayons together. you now what is gonna happen after and you now what it looked like before the bullet collided with the crayons. I don't even know how to describe this picture in words. it speaks for itself.

I don't always emphasize the positive. I tend to focus on the negative. I do know this and i realize it but at the same time I don't do much to fix it. I want to try and focus more on the positive things around me and love what i do already have. because in an instant it could all go away. It takes a long time to build something up but in one moment everything can fall after you have spent so much time building it up. So look at the beauty of what is around you because it could all be taken away and you life could be a lot worse then you thought.

"Absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder, it just makes you realize you can live your life with out the other person."

That is so true. I don't believe in love. There are going to be many people out there that you can spend the rest of you life with. There is more than one person that you can love enough to share your world with. Just like there is always someone out there that is in a worse condition then you, there will always be someone out there that is a better match for you. We live in a society where our roles are defined for us. The social norm is to graduate high school and go off to college, party and then come home get married have children with a career. Why is it that most people tend to find the one they are going to marry at the age of 25-33. Its because people settle. And women know if they don't get married by that age they won't be able to have kids. That's why there are so many divorces. Because people settle. They think they are following the social norm and everyone wants to be a part of the norm so they do things that way. There will always be exceptions to the rule but most people just follow this. So yes you can love someone, but you can't really be in love with just one person.

you can be heartbroken many times and never been in love.

I've been hurt so many times. The exact same way. The first time wasn't that bad. I was sad but it didn't affect me so badly. I just let it go. The second time hurt pretty badly. It hurt the most because deep inside I knew it was going to happen. But I thought and hoped that it wouldn't be different. I tried to be optimistic. I sat there and waited and I let him take advantage of me. I just waited and let him choose. Needless to say the outcome wasn't as i had hoped. And now when i see her. or him. it hurts. I am over him and i don't have feelings for him i know that but it still hurts. This third time hurt the most. Although i may be experiencing it right now at this moment I can already tell that my responses have been way worse then before. My friends can see it as well as my family. I'm usually really good at hiding it but this hurts too much that I have a hard time hiding it. I'm really bad at expressing my feelings but i know that this is one thing i would never want anyone to ever feel. I really hope i don't go through this for a fourth time. Because if i do i don't know how much more danger I can put myself in. I don't know what I will do to myself.
Payback is a bitch. I think this is my payback. I may have hurt a few guys in my life time and I may have not dealed with it correctly but now i get it. I get how much it hurts and I hope i never do it again. I have learned my lesson so please stop the hurting. I have hit rock bottom and next time i don't know what is going to be lower than rock bottom. I have become a person i don't recognize. I have come to terms that I will always get hurt. All i ask is for once please don't hurt me in this way again. When it does end please have it end a different way. a different hurt.

decisions

So this past few weeks have been all about decisions that i need to make for my future. It's going to be really hard to pick up and just leave what i am comfortable with. But im trying to be come to terms with it. I want to be happy where ever i go. Honestly these past few weeks I have been upset with my life. I should love what i already have. but as i try to do that all i can think about is what i am going to lose when i leave and make these big changes in my life. I've been waiting for this time for about two years or more now but i don't know how im going to do decide what to do. I know in the end the ultimate decision is mine no matter what everyone else says. So hopefully i choose this decision wisely.