HONG KONG

now that i am in hong kong. its such a super culture shock. sooo weird. they drive on the other side of the road. its soo hot and humid. the buses are really convenient tho.soo much food. people are reallly pushy. reallly dirttyy... i saw a hugeeee rat today it was HUMONGO! ughh ewww. and as i was waiting for the bus today i saw this huge insect ughh soo gross. theres a lot of different insects here. i saw a reallly pretty butterfly one morning tho.

everyday i have been wearing shorts or a dress. and its really weird cuz sometimes its rains. like REALLY hard but its still hott. and gross. so basically its disgusting. ahha but its okay. im getting used to it. the hardest thing for me to get used to is crossing the street. cuz the cars come from opposite ways and it jsut gets really confusingg. i dont know why. but whatevers.

but seriously this place makes me appreciate where i live soo much. what i have. and how clean burlingame and my house is. i miss my bathroom soo much! i feel dirty even after i shower. and i love howw we have cars that can hold our stuff. i hate having to carry everything while i take the bus and stuff here. and its not as crowded at home as it is here. dt has nothing on hk. i mean hk isn't all bad. i just like where i live. i am just to used to california.

I'm sorry

those two words, are said so often. but we hardly ever mean it. I was taught that when saying I'm sorry, it means that you will try your hardest never to make that mistake again and that you would prove that you were really sorry. but people through out those words so much now and just think everything will be okay after they say it. I say it also even if i don't mean it. People say it to me all the time and I know they don't mean it either. I guess this contradicts what ive been saying but im honestly truly sorry. i don't know why I am doing this. I have been hurt. I know how it feels to be in that position and I am still doing this to you. im sorry. i wish i was stronger then this. i guess all i wanted to say was that i am truely sorry and hopefully i can stop hurting you. Im going to try.

I'm sorry.

west retreat

so i just got back from the West retreat. it was a really good experience. I had a lot of bonding time with the other leaders and got to know some even better. and at the same time i had some reflection for myself. and i realized soo much. lately i have been reflecting about my personality and why i act the way i do. I don't know what i want in life. and that scares me so much. but at the same time i am the only one that can help be figure it out. and i need to do that on my own. taking these trips doing my own thing doing what i like to do, thats what's gonna help me figure out what i want, my experiences. there is a lot more to my life than just finding a guy. its also about finding who i am and figuring out what i want to do in my life. so im going to do this on my own and ill be fine.

a little busy bee.

I am a person with many commitment. I work. I go to school. I volunteer at cameron house. I am the first to volunteer to do things. I usually say yes when asked of a favor even if i know i don't have the time to do it. I remember there was a point in my life when i was at school from 8am to 2pm sometimes even 5pm. and with my school commitments, working three jobs and volunteering. And of course the miscellaneous things like babysitting, driving my brother around, and hanging out with friends. I have always kept a busy schedule. I stick to my commitments even if i don't like them. I like doing things but as a result i neglect myself and my happiness. I keep these commitments because i know these commitments would never hurt me, they wouldn't abandon me. For some reason i like making other's happy but i feel as if i don't deserve that. I don't open up to others I just hide behind my commitments. And i push things away from me that could make me happy. it scares me too much so i just take on another commitment to not think about the pain that i feel. I tire myself out so when i go to sleep i won't think, ill just fall asleep. I keep busy, and i like it, but sometimes i need to have time for myself. and to be me.

i'm okay being single

so lately its been obvious to me that a few guys have been trying to talk to me. i may be recently single but that doesn't mean i am going to get with anyone else. I am not going to do that rebound stuff. i am not going to try and prove to anyone that i can just get another guy. i'm not vulnerable, im not desperate. I don't need a guy to survive. I've been single for majority of my life, that doens't mean i can't go back to it. the next guy i date is going to because i like him and not out of spite or to make others jealous. its not a race, i have nothing to prove to anyone except to myself. all i need to do is be true to myself.

i didn't want it to all come down to this.

I tried. i kept trying. but i failed. you called me heartless. if i was heartless why would i keep trying? why would i even care? why would i stick up for you when you have done me wrong. why would i apologize. im sorry other ppl talk shit and other people hate. but i don't. i may have lied before but this time its all from the heart. i really am sorry. and i just wished none of this ever happened. i didn't want drama. i didn't want to get involved. i should have stuck with the gut feeling since the beginning. i took the risk and now im living with my consequences. i knew this was the consequence i just didn't know it would hurt this much. when i stop getting mad is when i stop caring. i always cared even if you don't believe that. you saw me at my worse and you never saw me at my best again because you never wanted to see it again. but im gonna survive with out you. im gonna fine someone who's gonna keep fighting for me. thanks for teaching me so much about myself. thanks for giving me the opportunity to grow up. you have changed me. and i think its for the better. so im sorry and if you don't accept my apology then theres nothing i can do about it. but i tried and thats all i can do now.

sometimes you just have to let things out.

lately, i have been really stressed out. I have been going through a lot of things in basically all aspects of my life. it seems as if nothing is going right. nothing good is coming out. i knew that something was wrong with me at the exact moment when i found out i got into college and i wasn't happy. I wasn't happy for the one thing i had been working towards for two years. my biggest goal for two years. i have had a very difficult two years. but i did it for the people that i love. i don't show it to them. but i do love my parents. my actions or words don't always show it, but they are the ones that kept me from doing some things that i would have otherwise done.

have you ever been in a huge crowd or surrounded by a lot of people and still feel like the loneliest person. yea thats how i've been feeling. I've been in the company of so many people lately but i still feel like the only person there. so lost and confused.

"I just tell myself to be happy. But I don't feel happy. And when I try to change it, when I try to remember what being happy felt like, I can't. I don't feel joy. I don't feel inspired. I just feel numb." Haley James Scott, One Tree Hill.

take risks in life. you are going to get hurt in life but you still need to experience it.

So i have a cousin who is many years older than me. We are really similar though. We are both independent and we stand up for ourselves. I don't think she knows this but i look up to her a lot. She is always thinking about other people and does little things to show that she cares. I want to be like her later in life. She's successful, she's beautiful (she was miss chinatown) she's generous, so caring. and she is the total opposite of selfish. A few years ago she went to italy just to learn to cook. I thought that was so cool. She was in between jobs and she just took off and went to learn to cook. Now she always cooks at huge family functions; the food is superb.
The point is that I have been thinking about my life a lot lately. And i know the one thing i don't want to follow in her footsteps is in her love life. She's one of those girls that every guy falls for and is always asked out. She's not married. She has never had a serious boyfriend that I have ever met. Like I said she is many years older than me. She has a younger sister of 10 years that is already married with two kids. So she should already have settled down. I bet you she was proposed to many times too. A few years back I was talking to my mother and she said that the reason why she isn't married or has a serious boyfriend is because she is heartbroken. She got her heart broken when she was in high school and since then she has not trusted any guy enough to give her life to.
I don't want to be like that. I have gotten my heart broken, but I don't want that to make me scared to trust another guy. I don't know if I will ever recover from this heart break. ill get over the guy. But I don't know if I will ever be able to get over the pain. I don' want to be like my cousin in that way but at the same time I think I am starting to. I'm putting other commitments like work in front of me to hide my pain. I keep myself busy with other people to not think about my pain. Thats what my cousin does. She has so many firends and she always goes out. She busy herself with people and work. She's strong and she can hold it together. I can do the exact same thing. I always say how i don't need a guy.. but i really don't want to be alone in the long run.

"There's no use denying the past. you are a part of me. you will always be a part of it. it just hurts too much."

all i want is someone to accept me for me. for my flaws. for who i am. someone that will be weird with me. not look down at me when i find really stupid things funny. someone to fight for me. someone to talk to me. someone to explain to me when i don't understand. someone to teach me to be a better person. someone that can make me laugh no matter what. someone to be patient with me. someone to allow me to make mistakes and help me fix them. someone i can trust. someone that won't make me feel stupid. someone to forgive. someone that will help make me a better person. someone that wants to be with me.

lovin today :)

"do what you are. as long as you're true to yourself and follow your own interests you can find success through passion"

a picture is worth a thousand words

A picture captures a specific moment in time, a moment that has passed but will always be a reminder of that time.




As much as I have always complained about the bay area. I honestly think that it is a reallly pretty city. Especially at night. When you sit on the other side of the golden gate bridge and just look over across the bay; that image is beautiful. The fog over the bridge and the city lights. The streets and buildings are all lit up and it becomes a breath-taking moment. The bay area will always have a place in my heart as much i say i hate being here; i mean i did basically grow up here.




The waves are my favorite thing to watch. I don't know why i jsut love watching the waves crash in. The sound of it is like music to my ears. I just love water. I think its beautiful. I don't know how to explain it but i love how it looks, whether it is calm and peaceful in the pool and only disturbed by a swimmer or in the ocean when the wind brings it crashing into the beach. it is so pretty i could watch it all day if i didn't get so cold all the time.



Like i said i love water. I always said i hated rain. I don't. I hate rain when i am trying to get somewhere and i get all wet with my clothes on. I hate that. I hate that im soaked with my clothes on when i am trying to do something. BUt i love watching the rain. I love watching how the rain falls how each raindrop scatters when it collides with surface. I love listening to the rain when i am inside. I love this picutre. I love how the rain is on the window and the post it make it so sad. It just a picture but the raindrops on the window make the whole picture mean another thing. i love it.



This picture is such a perfect picture. It literally captures a great action shot. Just in that one milisecond. You see all of the crayons together. you now what is gonna happen after and you now what it looked like before the bullet collided with the crayons. I don't even know how to describe this picture in words. it speaks for itself.

I don't always emphasize the positive. I tend to focus on the negative. I do know this and i realize it but at the same time I don't do much to fix it. I want to try and focus more on the positive things around me and love what i do already have. because in an instant it could all go away. It takes a long time to build something up but in one moment everything can fall after you have spent so much time building it up. So look at the beauty of what is around you because it could all be taken away and you life could be a lot worse then you thought.