fate

Do you believe in fate? Do you think our lives are predestined? Can we really change the way our life turns out? Does everything happen for a reason? Was everything supposed to happen the way it turned out? Was my life supposed to come out like this even though I had always thought differently? Were all of my hardships supposed to come these past two years? Are there going to be more to come?
Honestly I don’t know if I can take any more heartbreaks, and no, I am not talking about boys. I’m talking about things/people I truly honestly know I loved. There are some memories that are stuck in your mind that you will never be able to forget.
I was 19 the first time I had ever experienced death of someone so close to me. I will remember where I was, what I was doing, who was with me, and when it happened, but I want to know why it happened when it did. Everyday for six months, I was there to see him. I visited him every day, up until the day I went on a trip for a week. That one week out of six months was when he had to go. Was that supposed to happen to me? Was I supposed to be so far away so helpless to my family when it happened? I feel like the worse big sister ever. I left my brother there to watch it all happen. I left him all alone. I’m his big sister I’m supposed to protect him from harm. But I couldn’t instead he had to be the one to break the news to me. I remember that conversation exactly. I didn’t believe him.
Then a year later, it happens again. This time I was nowhere near it. And I knew it wouldn’t be. I didn’t deal with it. I just let it be. I went on with my life. When my dad told me it happened, I’ll remember that day too. I just unlocked the door to my house getting off of work, and my dad sitting in the living room just goes ahead and says it that’s the first thing he says to me. And I just say okay and walk to my room. OKAY!? What kind of response is that? This time by protecting my brother I didn’t show him I was weak. I just pretended like it was okay. The three of us went out with our lives, barely even talking about it. I think that’s the moment I closed myself up from everyone. That was the start of me learning who would stick by me through it all.
So was this all supposed to happen so I could go through this battle? I am still fighting every day. These are just two examples of the hardships I have been facing these past two years. Within these past two years I have let some people into my life but at the same time, I have let some people out. I can honestly say after this, is that for the people I have met in my past 20 years of my life, I know exactly who will be there for me. And whom I can actually call my true friends. So I still don’t know if I believe in fate. But I do know I do believe that we learn from our experiences.

time.

i need more time. but at the same time, time isn't going fast enough. so here i am stuck in this spot while everything goes forward, and i'm failing to catch up.

my life is messy

im a mess and i am trying to figure out a lot of things. so don't make any decisions based on me. don't let me hold you back. don't let me play you. in the end i might hurt you. im going to school in irvine. currently i am in hong kong. i have a bad history. i was recently hurt. i've been unstable. so i guess what i am trying to say is. don't wait for me anymore. i would probably be a waste of your time. and in the end i don't want you to hate me even though you may already after what i have been doing. i don't want to drag you into my mess. you deserve better than me.

only spend time on things that truly mean something to you, or else you are just wasting your time.

enjoy life now. don't waste time with unnecessary drama. you make wrong decisions sometimes. own up to the consequences and move on. be who you are. don't waste your time pleasing everyone else because 90% of your friends are not really your friends. Just hold on to the 10% that are.

btw. you didn't impact me enough for me to care, so don't waste your time thinking i hate you because i don't even waste my energy or time on you. you were never a friend or anyone i really cared much about. so makes no difference, i feel the same about you as i did two years ago.

the love of a family

people come in and out of your life, but your family will always be there. that's what real love is. you can have a significant other, but if its hard they can always walk out of your life and all you have left is the memories. That bond can't be stronger than the bond of your family. No matter how hard it is in your family, you will always be tied to them somehow. My life is no different, i was reminded last night of some crazy fight in my extended family that has played out the past few years. but my extended family is still as close as ever. you can rarely see them or talk to them but when you do, you still feel that bond. I know that my family is a lot closer than other families and i am so grateful for that. My extended family will forever be there for me, and i will be there for them.

MY family extended family is so close, I like that i hang out with my cousin's outside of family functions. We will make specific trips just to see each other, where friends but being cousins make us have an even stronger bond that can't be broken. My family mean so much to me, even if it doesn't seem like it. If you were able to be introduced to my cousins that means a huge deal to me. Especially since they live in southern california, meeting them means that I think highly of you and you mean a lot to me. There only a handful of people that have ever met them through me. Yes we have some mutual friend that we randomly know because its a small world, but if you were directly introduced to them, that means a lot. I can only think of three people who have been introduced to my family. And at one point or another those three people have made a huge impact on my life. So if i mean anything to you, you should feel honored to have even been introduced to my family.

thats why my family and friends come before any guy ever will. my family and friends will stick by me through the end. a guy may stay, but most likely will get up and walk away once it gets hard, because there will always be other fish in the sea.

<3 my family. always and forever. no matter the distance. no matter how hard it gets.